There’s nothing better for relationship happiness than an insecure partner, and dating one that’s committed to a relationship feels more fulfilling.

Of course, you’ve probably heard that an insatiable need for something is often a sign of emotional sloth, too. (Here’s a quiz to find out how much feeling confident about our own beauty is a good sign of emotional fragility.) However, because of the whole “need” phenomenon, many women don’t seem to prioritize the care and well-being of their relationships with each other.

In fact, they tend to stay stuck in avoidance mode, because the whole idea of relationships is about commitment. We all need relationships to be real and have meaning, and stability. The question is, do the needs of your partner really matter as much as their needs do?

Why Does Your Intimacy Matter?

The fact that a woman wants to get engaged with a man makes her worry that his connection with her doesn’t matter. That he’s not into her. He doesn’t trust her, as she puts it, and sees her as a commodity.

But having an insecure partner doesn’t make this any less urgent. In fact, from the time your partner gets his first good job, to working in the delivery room, to the day he’s gonna plan your wedding, there’s a purpose to the job: You’re leading the trip home, you’re smiling with the mother of your babies, you’re making him happy, you’re going to be for him all of this time. And the very first reason we need to feel important is to feel good about ourselves and feel safe in other people’s arms.

The first time you develop an insecurity, then, isn’t about you, it’s about me. The only way to add value to your relationships is by showing my needs and talking to my feelings.

Insecurity — a fear of change, insecurity about being alone, or over-rehearsed anxieties — can have a significant negative impact on relationships, and women who start from an insecure place often end up feeling insecure themselves, or unable to get their minds off these issues. They may be committed to connecting with a commitment, or not.

So how can you avoid feeling lonely?

Find Your “Feelings”

First and foremost, you should find your feelings — rather than them being your identity. The important thing is that you identify your feelings. They can range from loving to hurtful. Your feelings aren’t some thing to be embarrassed or ashamed of, because they’re not. They’re yours.

Start out by seeking out your feelings: Losing the will to face what you’re feeling might be normal; a lack of power or control might be normal. Your feelings aren’t about you, but about me. There’s a real connection and connection between you and your feelings. Just the other day I read about a woman who told her therapist, “I was so overwhelmed by the sexual excitement I was having with another man that I lost it. I couldn’t stop talking. I cried. I wanted to beat myself up and be on my own.”

Your feelings aren’t always dangerous. You might be feeling insecure but going ahead with the relationship is going to be a great gift you’re giving yourself. Or you might feel calm about yourself, which you could be.